Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
