I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
