Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
