you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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