He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
