Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
