the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
