At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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