Moan for me like Helen Keller
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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