i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
