I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
