Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
