Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
