I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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