Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I think people are normalizing furries
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
