That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
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