I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
