I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
