I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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