i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
