Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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