I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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