I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
