Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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