Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
