I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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