I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
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Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
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what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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