Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
