I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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