I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
