So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
