new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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