considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
