worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
