her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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