Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
