mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
