i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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