Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
