The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
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Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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