I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
