I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Drake has all the answers
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
