went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
