well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
