I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
