she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
