guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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