dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
