1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
