She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
