he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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