i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
