We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
