my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
