I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
