Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
