I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I can't put those talents on a resume
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
