o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
