Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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